1. Do you like them? And no I don’t mean, tolerate, I mean genuinely like them.

If you have any feeling of disdain towards them or they’ve pi$$ed you off in the last 24 hours you probably shouldn’t bother. It won’t be your finest hour (maybe a bit generous) if you sleep with someone who you despise 98% of the time. They might be fit but you wouldn’t buy a Porsche if you hated the noise it made, would you?

     2.  Are they nice to you? Or do they just send the occasional dick pic? Because that ain’t nice, just plain nasty.

The 2am drunk phonecalls, the I’m lonely texts that just so happen to coincide with my raging hard on. That isn’t being nice to someone, boys and girls you’re both guilty of it so don’t start pointing the finger.

     3. If you were to sex, would it repulse you in the near or distant future?

Think about it long and hard (lol), cos you could use all that repulsion on something actually worthwhile like some dodgy eyebrows or some oversharing on Facebook that we all love to hate. Do you really want to cringe every time you hear a name or glimpse a sight of them? I think not. Save the cringe, it’s one of the most underrated emotions.

    4. Pants. Have you got your sex pants on?

The lacy ones, the silk ones, or the ones that take you a solid 10 minutes of looking at before you realise how to put them on. If you don’t it is not happening tonight, sorry.

    5. Have you got a condom? They’re kinda cool you know; they stop all sorts of things like diseases AND sprogs. Woo.